Sometimes people are ugly when they're being honest, but let me be honest.
When I decided I was going to try to enter games journalism I also decided I was going to reach the top of my field, you know, be "the best" at the kind of writing I intended to do. I think if people told me how hard it was to break in I wouldn't have started. But once I broke in, and I wanted to keep succeeding, when everyone said to me, "well, it's hard", I'd silently append maybe for you.
And people would say stuff like all games journalism sucks and it'll never be a serious profession and you'll never make your career this way and things like that, and I'd nod sincerely, but privately I felt that I had the capacity to change those rules, even if those who were warning me had become cynical. I suppose I'd set a goal not just to succeed, but to succeed in areas where others had failed. I had a special pride.
So with that in mind -- whenever a publication shut its doors, or a prominent voice left journalism for development, or someone migrated into another field or fell out of the public conversation because they couldn't keep sustainable work, I confess, I felt a little satisfied. You don't feel there's anything more to be done here; I do.
Like they'd failed for a good reason. Or if they left for a better opportunity, it's because they missed the chance to make better opportunities in game writing, which meant there were more for me to discover. Even when it was people I liked very much and whose work I would miss. Even when it was good people losing jobs and I felt for them -- it's not like I'm glad to see people out of work -- there was always that subtle satisfaction in the fact that no matter what the reason, I was hanging in where others weren't.
And for every writer that retired, was fired, gave up, was promoted out of editorial, I felt I automatically advanced, like when someone stepped out of the line, I could step forward. Some of the time, I even felt like a reduction in the noise everyone was producing was a good thing for game journalism, like pruning branches from a tree so that it doesn't choke itself.
Mostly I'm happy with my career. There are only a few people who could make me second-guess that, who make me think that if they don't feel there's anything more to do here, maybe there isn't. And, I mean, could is theoretical. Since I started, no one has left that has made me feel loss instead of that self-serving sense of opportunity until today.
Writers of my particular breed have the opportunities we do because of people like Kieron -- really, him and a handful of others -- being the really-really-first. I remember after a few weeks of Aberrant Gamer columns, largely the first pieces of writing with which I distinguished myself in any way, I saw that he had posted some kind of neutral comment, I don't even remember what it said. And I remember becoming really overwhelmed and excited and thinking that if Kieron was noticing my work, well, then, I was pretty much going to be okay.
Since we began talking a few years ago he was one of those few people that I held up, on various fronts, to say I want to be like you. That he was "here" in this space and had done it forever for so long and in his way always made me feel like I had more growing to do, like there was more room here for that. It wasn't just his writing, it was his attitude about writing, about audiences, about games, everything, that made me feel like this is an arena for sophisticated people and I wasn't wasting my time.
I knew about his plans but I got choked up today nonetheless because I'm a big sap and he'll probably be embarrassed but I'm always a little embarrassing like that when I actually admire someone instead of paying lip service to the concept of admiration, the latter being something Kieron would probably never do.
Not like I'm going anywhere right now. And it's not like he's dead or something, geez, Leigh! But the transition of Kieron Gillen makes me consider for the first time that a battle won in a war of attrition isn't much of a victory. I suppose I still have to keep getting better and more useful to this space, then.
So. Thanks for everything, man.
19 comments:
Sometimes the pruning can be of really good "branches" that simply don't conform to the politics of what certain people want.
Not to sound negative, but would you still be this cheerful if you were one of those pruned branches?
It's very bold of you to admit the things you just said. I have nothing to do with games journalism, and I'm gonna miss Kieron too; it doesn't feel like it'll be the same over at RPS without him. That said, I'd say he's done something important; for you, for me, for everyone. A major positive influence. That's worth something.
Video Game journalism is still a niche, but it is growing at a fast pace, and being in the tech world myself, I know there is nothing quite being a pioneer and watch all the naysayers eat their words while you ride the waves of a new paradigm.
Don't know Kieron, but I'm def going to check him out.
@SnipingMizzy She did say honesty can sometime be ugly.
That's certainly an interesting, candid take on it, and I've certainly had my share of that feeling. After all, I thought that I wanted to be a professor for quite a while.
Anyway, it'd probably be interesting for you to read "Fooled by Randomness" by Taleb. It paints another really interesting point of view to how humans respond like this to things that are beyond their control.
I know a little how you feel Leigh. I don't feel guilty having KG as my favorite RPSer anymore. But I absolutely adore his style and I'm going to miss his eclectic music taste. Indeed he was one of the greatest games journalists. Lets hope he rants and raves often!
Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see
Keep up the work! Are aware of the "who you gonna call? Leigh!" meme that some forums invoke whenever someone start argument about diversity of gender?
Gamer are not comfortable with your presence and your progressive view, and it's the best things that should happen to this culture. The more you became a polarized icons in that culture, the more you shape that culture in the best ways.
neoshaman: no, I am vaguely aware that there are several memes going on regarding me, but I'd rather not keep close tabs on that kind of thing. I am trying to keep my head down and do good work.
And be disruptive, yeah. I take your comment about how gamers are uncomfortable with me as a very high compliment. Thank you.
Found my way here today just by chance, and I knew what this post was about even before you dropped the name. I was always psyched to spot a Kieron piece in RPS or Eurogamer, and while I'm sad that his voice isn't going to be around as often, I'm excited to see what he's going to do in comics, as his stuff there has been so far stellar.
But just so you know, you've been writing sharp, insightful, and critical thoughts in the gaming biz for quite a while now, and getting more and more visibility in the field - and some of us out here have definitely noticed that, and more than that, found it directly inspiring.
Glad to hear you're not going anywhere anytime soon. You keep writing, we'll keep reading.
fulldamage: kind words. thanks for stopping by.
The more people that leave, the more room there is for those who are left, but the more people who leave, the fewer folks there are to challenge you. I've only become a more competent writer and journalist because there have been colleagues who do much, much better work than I do. In that respect, losing Kieron is a real tragedy.
Klepek: yup.
EVERYONE SUCKS BUT US LET'S QUIT LOOK WHAT YOU DID KIERON YOU RUINED GAMES JOURNALISM.
Video Game journalism is still a niche, but it is growing at a fast pace, and being in the tech world myself, I know there is nothing quite being a pioneer and watch all the naysayers eat their words while you ride the waves of a new paradigm.
Girls Dress Up Games
"And people would say stuff like all games journalism sucks and it'll never be a serious profession..."
I think those people were absolutely right. If I had to use just one word to describe (modern) games journalism, it would be "LOL."
"Writers of my particular breed have the opportunities we do because of people like Kieron -- really, him and a handful of others -- being the really-really-first."
Gillen was born in 1975. There were adults doing game reviews when he was still a child.
Gareth Mensah: "Video Game journalism is still a niche, but it is growing at a fast pace."
Video game journalism isn't any more of a niche than reviewing movies, RC vehicles, restaurants or boats is. What you probably mean is that video game journalism has been a small business until very recently, but this is not so. Print magazines have existed since the seventies, and Wikipedia alone lists about 200 publications. But print media already reached its zenith and is now in decline, so by growth you must mean the Internet. Yes, I suppose there is lots of growth if you qualify "stupid teenager/college student with blog account" and "interchangeable site that repackages press releases and spews out as much worthless shit as the servers can handle" as growth. After all, even tumors are described as growing.
"Being in the tech world myself, I know there is nothing quite being a pioneer and watch all the naysayers eat their words while you ride the waves of a new paradigm."
Yes, it's not like this whole video game reviewing business wasn't already pioneered (and done much better) way back in the eighties.
neoshaman: "Gamer are not comfortable with your presence and your progressive view, and it's the best things that should happen to this culture."
Right on. We will see fantastic growth once gaming becomes a thoroughly politically correct and feminized industry where one cannot write a single line of code without first consulting a feminist instruction manual and the publisher's legal department. As you know, this winning strategy has worked really well for television and Hollywood. I think what gamers want is not "better games" that are "fun" or anything like that, but a new paradigm of art games where the narrative message doesn't hinge squarely and mundanely on just how heteronormatively privileged the gameplay is.
@ghost I didn't mean it in terms of content or number of publication but in terms of career, video game journalism is still a niche because journalism in the field of video game is not taken seriously. But I do think blogs such as this one, magazines like Kill Screen which are looking at video games outside of just game reviews but looking into the gaming culture, game developers and gamers mindsets, I think all those efforts are creating something unprecedent in the video game world.
The fact that we're talking about convergence, about creating the Citizen Kane of video games, about affective computing, and about video games improving hand-eye coordination, etc, all those topics through osmosis are slowly becoming part of mainstream culture, and until that happen, for better or worse, video game journalism will still be consider a niche by most.
A niche is defined, in this case, as a place, employment, status, or activity for which a person or thing is best fitted, or a specialized market. Whether anyone takes video game journalism seriously is irrelevant.
"...looking into the gaming culture, game developers and gamers mindsets, I think all those efforts are creating something unprecedent in the video game world."
Yes, unprecedented amounts of useless babble characterized by unprecedented levels of pretentiousness, self-importance and ignorance. A good example is the way everyone is looking for a video game response to Citizen Kane without even understanding why Citizen Kane is so significant. They think it's significant because so many grownups think it's art ("we need to make an 'art game' that will show those grownups that video games are serious too!"), and not because it changed the way movies were made.
@ghost What sounds like babbles to you sounds like brainstorming to me. I'm an aspiring cyberpunk writer working on a manuscript, and if you ask me, video gaming ( in a broad sense that includes but is not limited to video games ) is playing a major role in shaping tomorrow's world.
The cliche of the high scool kid with bad acne, lock up in his room, nose pressed against the screen, playing video games to no end is dead. Everybody is playing video games, teens, boys, girls, 20-something, 30-something, etc, on their PCs, gaming system, portable consoles, online, on facebook, on their phones, everywhere.
However that cliche is still used in mainstream media, so there is a need for fresh viewpoints, and there is a desire to look deeper into video games because gaming is still in its infancy, there is a sense of exictment and anticipation of what will happen in the coming years.
I agree that it's limiting to aim for video games to be art, but there are potential convergences between arts and video gaming, and dicusssions on a video game canon or a Citizen Kane of video gaming are not irrelevant.
"There is a need for fresh viewpoints, and there is a desire to look deeper into video games."
No, there isn't. I can think of only two people who are saying something interesting and worthwhile about video games, and you won't find either of them featured on a major gaming site, because by and large people would rather pretend they don't exist.
When mainstream writers, like those working for Kotaku and Escapist, start "looking deeper" into video games, the results are invariably lollerific nonsense like this, or maybe yet another rehash of "is games art?" where nothing new or intelligent is said. But whatever, it all goes down the memory hole anyway after the story drops off the front page.
"Because gaming is still in its infancy, there is a sense of exictment and anticipation of what will happen in the coming years."
I anticipate more interactive movies made by people who wish they were in Hollywood instead, which are then followed by more idiotic babble from journlolists. Also more stupid gimmicks and nickel-and-diming as a substitute for quality games. I can't wait.
"Dicusssions on a video game canon or a Citizen Kane of video gaming are not irrelevant."
It is when people don't understand the subject they're discussing and end up talking nonsense.
ghost4 said: "I can think of only two people who are saying something interesting and worthwhile about video games, and you won't find either of them featured on a major gaming site, because by and large people would rather pretend they don't exist."
I can think of only two people that fit that description:
http://insomnia.ac/
http://postback.geedorah.com/archivo.html
Yes, one of them is of course icycalm. The other person I had in mind is Sean Malstrom. I know of Postback, but unfortunately I don't speak Spanish.
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